Speaking. Using words. Putting. Sentences. Together. It's all so very
irksome and tedious, isn't it? We try to lighten the load ourselves - refusing
to correctly align subjects and predicates; replacing ‘have’ with ‘of’ (this
particular point deserves a post of its own); shortening extensively long
words like 'probably' into 'prob', 'sorry' into 'soz', and 'totally' into… you
get the idea. But our noble efforts do
little to ease the pain. They barely manage to make our insurmountable loads
any less insurmountable. The burden of having to talk incessantly hammers on
our weary souls.
The problem is this: we're social creatures; it’s in our nature to keep
trying - for the future of mankind or something. But our current methods to suppress
our survival requirements are hardly sufficient. Honestly, if you’re going to
screw up the English language, then commit, I say. Make it count! Yes, yes, you
think I’m all talk; but please, let me finish! My wisdom comes in the form of
both critique and gifts: remedies and
painkillers for even the most encumbered of language victims. And if you wish
to see the light of day again, to experience freedom – not words – emanating
from your lips, and to distinguish the beauty and magic of life from the yoke
of slavery (known as language), then it is in your best interests to accept my
metaphorical wares. They’re free, after all. Allow me to explain.
1. Double
or Triple Contractions
In informal circumstances, we like to condense two words into one. I’m
doing it right now, even. But this solution doesn’t last. Sooner or later we’re
mumbling like a crazy person, or fish, wide-eyed for no other reason than because
a fish has no eyelids. It’s only logical that contracted words simply aren’t
contracted enough. So instead of
merging two words into one, try three, four, or six!
“You shouldn’t’ve scared the cat!”
“Was it scared, or just startled?”
“Well, in any case, ’twould’nt’ve’(nt)2 been
either if you’dn’t
been so careless!”
“Touche, father. Touche.”
2. Verb
Nouns!
That’s a command, not a new type of noun - though it may as well be. Like
contracting words, we also do this from time to time. Sometimes consciously: "I
have not tried googling this blog," or "I really like Matt’s advice. I’ll Facebook
a link to it." And other times more naturally: "I’ve been reading Matt’s blog
for far too long, and my house still needs painting.
Meh, I’ll text Bobette to do it." But there are so many more situations where nouns can verb – like that one
there for instance.
See how much more better
language can be? Experiment freely with verbs and nouns. Verb away, I say! In
no time the two will be one and the same.
3. Advocate
non-existent past tense verbs
This one’s easy. Unfortunately it’s also the least productive method by
which to, of course, shed some of that lifelong burden we call coherent speaking. But beggars can’t be
choosers, am I right? Anyway, this final solution involves taking past
tense verbs that aren’t verbs but should be, and using them excessively.
“As I clumb
the mountain, I stopped to eat my microwove steak pie. It was raining, but it’s
not as if I mound.
What I did mind were the bits of fat, which adhore to my horrendous beard.
If only I’d shove
this morning.”
By way of these amazing non-verbs becoming verbs, we can do away with
entire letters and syllables! English is wreck—err, our lives can finally
flourish!
These are trying times, my friends. We have to stick together; and to do
that, communication is key. Fish can’t survive on land, yet it’s this treacherous
terrain upon which we’re cursed to dwell. Language may totes be a means to an end, but
your lives are priceless. So please, take my advice, and live.
