"We're the same temperature now."

I have to report a crime. I… I've done something… terrible.

Before you shun me into the mythical realm of sparkly people whose sole weakness is in the juncture between head and shoulders (who would have thought: without their heads, they're powerless!), and where awkward conversations abound because the focus of them is a girl who has one facial expression, zero personality, and an inability to close her mouth; hear me out. I can explain.

I'm a bit like Rowan, a friend of mine who can't watch one film in a series and not the rest. Except, in my case, it's adhering to a tradition. Said tradition involves venturing with mates Nicky and Douglas to bear the latest 120 minutes of twilight pandemonium. Yet, if you treat the saga as a comedy, and you watch it with like-minded people, it can be more than bearable. Dare I say, it can be entertaining - but only because it's hilarious. Alas, we were the only ones in the theatre overcome in constant hysterics.

The first scene was no exception. Bella is embracing Edward (as one does after waking up from a coma during which one died) when Edward, barring nothing from his romantic tone, says, "We're the same temperature now." I honestly thought I might be watching a parody.

A later scene sees Alice walk into the living room where the rest of the family are sitting in silence (though they seem perpetually poised for a family portrait, no matter the setting. I concluded it must be a vampire thing). Without warning, she has a premonition of their doom, and upon returning to the present, drops her vase of flowers (I suppose it's better than dropping a wedding cake). Everyone turns to her, but that isn't enough for Jasper. No, he vampire-sprints over to her side, close enough for his nonexistent breath to condense on her cheek, before asking, "What is it?"

Why did he need to run to her? Why couldn't he have just stood up and asked from where he was? Why wasn't there a laugh track?

Those are just two examples, but believe me, the laughter was endless, even during the fight scene, when countless heads were being torn from their shoulders. I was waiting for Bella to split in two, but the premonition ended before then, at which point you find out the entire fight never happened. It would've happened; that's why it was a premonition; but it didn't, because the bad guy was going to lose, and losing is undesirable. It was then, when I realised everyone's bodies were still intact, that the laughter stopped. Not only that, I was disappointed.

Now, you can't call me ignorant, because I've read the book corresponding with the film, and in that, they prepare for a fight which never happens. That sucked. But the trailer for the film hyped itself up by showing snippets from an action scene never realised in text. I guessed that the film developers changed the ending - that they followed through with the fight. But my hopes were cut short. Sure, they filmed the fight, but it was a fight that never really happened. No consequences, no remorse. What a stupid story! In other words, the first 90 minutes, a boring slew of awkward conversations and training sessions spread far too thin as a build-up to their inevitable doom (as foreseen by Alice), yet sufficiently appeased by numerous episodes of unintended humour, was, in fact, a build up to nothing! This means the film's drive didn't even exist, leaving it utterly void of purpose.

Furthermore, the action scene was all but saturated in cheese! Not garlic, cheese! This was primarily due to the Volturi leader sending his cohorts one at a time to have their heads removed. Why not just attack all at once? Seriously. Logic. You see? Even the fight scene - the one part of the film I thought might be worth watching - failed to deliver. Not that it would've: an action scene needs to be grounded in plot for it to appeal; and this film's 'plot' was contingent on said action scene. So the fight had no purpose; the movie had no fight; and the entire film caved.

In hindsight, I blame Alice. If it wasn't for her future sight, Breaking Dawn: Part 2 might've had a chance at a decent ending. It's a shame, really. I was always on team Alice.