Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Dream Logic: Brian, Matt and Nicole join a cult

It's super rare when I remember next to every detail of a dream. Yet, on one fateful morning last year, I woke up and remembered everything. It was a satisfying dream, satisfying and funny. So I grabbed a pen and paper and hurriedly scrawled everything down before I forgot. This week I rediscovered the paper, and henceforth adapted it into a story.



In Wonderland, Dream Logic makes your decisions for you. It also decides what makes sense and what doesn't. This is probably the reason why, when Brian invited me to join his 'church family', the only words that spilled from my mouth were "yes" and "sir".

He drove me to their house of worship, though from the outside it looked like nothing more than a house of, well, living. It also looked old. Vines climbed the forlorn walls like snakes, rust covered the pipes, and every window was smeared either black or grey.
"Are you sure that we're at the right place?" I asked.
He turned to me and smiled. "Of course. The place on the left is a fish'n chip shop."
I sighed. Brian had a fondness for puns - an unhealthy fondness. My fear was that he had a similar relationship with this so-called 'church'. "Come in," he continued. "I'll show you inside."

Inside was no less house-like and old. I scuffed a piece of torn carpet on my way into the lounge. Ancient furniture was strewn haphazard around the room, and on one side a weathered sofa faced the fattest television I'd ever seen. The air was damp. It smelled of wet wood and stale tea.
I turned to Brian. "Where is everyone?"
"In their rooms, smoking weed," he replied. 
I snickered. He had to be joking.
Floorboards groaned beneath my feet as we continued into the hall, where doors and ripped wallpaper lined the walls. A dozen doors led into small bedrooms of identical size and shape, to which I thought, Of course! Here, Dream Logic dictated that the sheer number of bedrooms set churches apart from dilapidated houses - for this was the only difference.
Brian paused outside a bedroom. "This one's mine. Every member has their own."
"You guys sleep here?" I asked.
"Better. We live here." He patted my shoulder. "So, are you in?"
I peered through some of the other rooms, and the residents therein glared back. One of them spat at me, but the projectile saliva cleared barely half the distance before shrivelling on the old carpet. Another resident lit his cigarette. The smoke it emitted was pungent and alluring. So, he wasn't joking after all. Yet I found myself turning back to my friend and forcing a smile. "You bet I am!"

Before you ask, it wasn't the promise of drugs that persuaded me. Rather, I was concerned for Brian. He'd signed up with some church I'd never before heard about, and everything within their sanctuary made me dubious to say the least. I had to investigate further, and the best way to do so was to pretend that I was one of them. I signed the invisible contract, and Brian showed me to my room - the thirteenth room, which, thanks to Dream Logic, didn't need explaining.
Brian stopped by the threshold and gestured a hand inside. "All yours," he said. "Well, it's not all yours. One thirteenth of this house is yours." He chuckled.
"Very funny," I said.

It took only a day for me to discover that this church was no less a cultists' hideout. The ruined state of this place was a sign in and of itself, but, moreover, the residents were mean. When I spied one of them using a hacksaw to cut his sandwich in two, I knew at once that these cultists were no good. Brian deserved friends who were more stable than these.

I awoke on the second morning to discover that I was alone in the house. So I did a little digging in Brian's room, opening drawers, upturning lazy mounds of clothes. Beneath his bed was a zip-lock bag half-filled with... dry leaves. I opened the bag, raised it to my nose and took a whiff. Interesting. I didn't get as far as the cigarettes, a row of which lay pre-rolled beside a lighter, also under the bed. Instead, I took out my phone. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. Mean people on drugs - this place had to be a cult. But I couldn't warn Brian. If he was smoking marijuana like the rest of them, then he was fully committed. He was sure to be more loyal to them than to me. 

I needed someone I could trust - someone with friendship as their incentive. So I sent Nicole a text. "I need your help. Brian's joined a cult."
"I'll be right over," she replied. Not leftover, I thought. Then I cringed. Damn it, Brian.

When Nicole arrived, I told her everything.
"There isn't a doubt in my mind," she said. "This place is definitely a cult."
"I know, right!"
"So, how do we bring them down?"
I brandished my phone. "The GPS says that the origin of this cult is a fifteen minute drive from here. If we head there, the cult will be instantly destroyed."
She nodded. "I'd better sign up first to prevent suspicion."
"Good idea."

For no reason at all, we decided to venture out the next morning. Nicole had voiced her concerns about spending a night in the cult house, stating that the residents might learn of our plans to betray them. But her fears were quelled when God spoke to her in a dream that night.
"If they discover what you're up to, you can sneak out through your bedroom window," God said.
Nicole was instantly relieved. "Oh, I feel suddenly better now."

You might be wondering how I knew of Nicole's dream. Well, I too was given a dream from God, in which He relayed to me exactly what He'd said to Nicole, through subtitles (the sounds in my dream were muted).

We took Nicole's car. The GPS led us to a field where lush grass mingled with the dark green hummocks and pines. The earth was wet, and I thought the car would sink in the soil. But I'd just taken a step outside when a notification on my phone read, "Cult destroyed."
I showed Nicole the message. "All done."
"Great," she said. "Let's go."

Even though we didn't actually do anything, we left with a great sense of achievement in our hearts, and emptiness in mine. That place looked great for a walk, but Dream Override wouldn't let me veer from my predetermined course. 
Speaking of predetermined, we stopped at the cult house once more. All the residents, including Brian, had disappeared - Dream Confirmation that we'd succeeded in bringing them down.
"What's that?" Nicole asked, pointing to a loose DVD face-down on the carpet.
"I don't know," I said. "But we can find out."
I shoved the disc into the player beneath the fat TV. I pressed 'play', sat on the sofa, watched as the black and white static flickered into colour. It was a documentary. A young boy, no older than six, stood in the shadow of Adolf Hitler himself. Around them crowds of people hustled across the scene: a backdrop of brown, dilapidated buildings. Hitler stared down the boy, who quavered in fear. But unbeknownst to Hitler, the boy was also drawing a gun. Slowly, he raised it, pressed its nozzle against Hitler's coat, and pulled the trigger. 
I was on the edge of my seat, and a gasp from Nicole revealed that she was the same. Was this how Hitler truly died?
But the gun never fired; and my heart sank as the voice-over slowly announced that, to the boy's dismay, the firearm was all but a toy.

Hitler smiled, but I never got to see the rest. Already the doors to reality were zooming towards me. Time in Wonderland was up.
And then I was in bed, curious as to how Brian could instantly throw his life away to all at once live in a run-down house with infinite bedrooms. Dream Logic would tell me not to worry - we saved him, didn't we? - but where did he go? Nicole and I never found out. The rogue DVD distracted us. Perhaps Brian's fate awaits us in Part Two. Perhaps he went home and forgot to tell us.


Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Just for the lolz

Text communication is a wonderful thing. Obviously. Writing is communication, and I love to write. Unfortunately, a casual text conversation does not account for body language or tones of voice, most notable when it comes to one word responses like "lol", or short phrases like "okay then". Such comments are useful and quick, but they're also terribly vague; and, more often than not, they don't mean what they're supposed to mean.

I wrote a simple guide to clarify the kinds of physical and verbal responses that I, and many other people, exhibit when we make these types of comments.


Response: hi; hey; hello; hiya; hi there; herro
Expression: Smile
What I might be thinking: How wonderful to hear from you, you awesome person, you; please don't think me sad for not adding an exclamation mark. I greeted you, didn't I?

Response: good; good thanks; well
Expression: N/A
What I might be thinking: I am good. That is all.

Response: not much; nothing much
Expression: N/A
What I might be thinking: Quite a lot, actually, but I lack the energy to explain.

Response: uh huh; mhmm; mm; m
Expression: N/A
What I might be thinking: Please, go on.

Response: huh; I see
Expression: Possible head nod
What I might be thinking: Interesting; I have nothing else to say; I hope you don't think I want you to stop talking to me; I'm playing a game and you're distracting me.

Response: busy
Expression: Frown
What I might be thinking: I'm playing a game and you're distracting me, but you're still awesome.

Response: interesting
Expression: Possible head nod
What I might be thinking: I have nothing else to say, but I've said "huh" three times already.

Response: k; kk; riteo; yes sir; yessum; yes boss; yes m'lord
Expression: N/A
What I might be thinking: Okay; agreed; confirmed; roger.

Response: lol
Expression: Possible snicker; possible half smile; possible nothing
What I might be thinking: I see; funny; acknowledged.

Response: ha
Expression: Smirk
What I might be thinking: Good one.

Response: haha
ExpressionPotential silent laughter
What I might be thinking: That was funny. It certainly deserved more than a "lol", but it was no "hahaha".

Response: hahaha; LOL
Expression: Audible laughter
What I might be thinking: You and your funniness; this is why we're friends.

Response: mwahaha; kekeke; fufufu
Expression: Rubbing of hands; malicious smile; wide eyes; cackle
What I'll be thinking: I eat my friends.

Sunday, 28 July 2013

The difference between 'a' and 'an'

A lot of us get to thinking that there exists this arbitrary rule within the English language that enforces people to say 'an' when the word following it begins with a vowel.

For instance, we say, "An artichoke" and, "An umbrella", but the gurus of language didn't intend us to do so simply because "we have to use 'an' when the next word starts with a vowel." That would be like saying, "The sun sets because it's night time."

The real reason the 'n' was added was because it can break the flow of a sentence when two vowel or consonant sounds are spoken without something to break them up. It has nothing to do with the letter itself, only the sound it makes within that word.

In most cases, we get it right.

Example 1a: "Next year, I'm going to make an Easter egg out of vegetables because I'm a rebel."

Example 1b: "Will it be a teeny tiny Easter egg, or a massive, fatty Easter egg comparable to the size of a fully grown elephant?"

However, because this rule has nothing to do with the consonant or the vowel itself, there are exceptions. When people misunderstand the rule, they are unable to adapt to these exceptions, and they begin to sound silly.

Example 1c (incorrect): " 'Fatty' was an euphemism, but I wouldn't mind trying a small Easter egg made out of vegetables."

Why is it wrong? Because it sounds silly.

Example 1c' (correct): " 'Fatty' was a euphemism. Having said that, anyone who dares to eat an Easter egg made out of vegetables will be shot and killed."

The word 'euphemism' begins with a consonant sound (you), not a vowel sound. Therefore, use 'a'. The rule was invented to make the flow of words easier, not harder, and that is entirely dependent on how the words sound. Make sense? Moving on.

Example 2: "Janet Bunnyhop's autobiography, Chocolate Heaven, Vegetable Hell, portrays the significance of Easter in an historical setting."

A teacher in high school taught me to write 'an' in a phrase such as the one above because the emphasis on the word 'historical' is placed on the second syllable - that is, historical - which is a vowel sound, and because the first letter - h - is almost silent. In other words, you will only have a case like this when the word begins with an 'h' and the emphasis of the word is placed on the second syllable. You wouldn't say, "I'm quite an happy man."

For a long while I thought it was a stupid exception, because 'a' carries the sentence just as well as 'an' does. So I did some research, and guess what? It doesn't even matter! You can ignore the rule in this case and do whatever you like. Perhaps your accent might dictate which word improves the outpouring of your speech, but feel free to decide which one you prefer.

Remember, it's the sound of the phrase that determines whether 'a' or 'an' is more appropriate. Something to note is that, because most people, such as the man at your next job interview, don't realise that the rule is based on the sound, they'll see 'an historical' (and other such phrases) and think it's wrong. Best to stick with 'a historical', at least in print.

Friday, 12 July 2013

Everything in my life happens in twos!

Hear me out. It's more a theory than a hypothesis, you know, because it's been tested. A hundred times, even, and a hundred times it's happened. When a thing occurs in my life, it occurs again. Everything in my life happens twice!

Last week the keyboard tray on my computer desk fell apart. Just fell apart. The screws had been loosening themselves, I guess, and all at once three of them popped out. The next thing I knew, my fingers were typing the air.
I reattached the keyboard tray, which took longer than expected because there were screws that had to be undone to get to the screws that had undone themselves; but eventually it was back in place. A minor setback on my easy life, I thought. But not one second after sitting back on my chair did my computer blue screen on me! Coincidence? I think not!

"Um, but those are two different things happening," I hear you say. In a sense, you are right, but they have one thing in common. They are both minor inconveniences. One minor inconvenience occurred right after another! Not only that, but my computer (which I've had for two years) had never blue screened before that point, and the keyboard tray had never fallen apart before that point! 

Still not convinced?

Last week a friend was in town for a few hours, and she called me hours in advance, asking if I wanted to catch up. I did, so we did, over dessert. Two days later another friend called me to say that she was in town for a day and asked if I wanted to catch up. I did, so we did, over coffee (at Starbucks). See the pattern!?

The week before last week I'd caught up with yet another friend at the same Starbucks mentioned above, at the same seat at the same time of day. (I didn't choose the place to sit. They got there before me). Also, coffee!
NB: I'm so introverted that I myself never take the initiative to catch up with people. All of these ideas were theirs!

LAST WEEK I tutored a student named Finley. His dad only had twenties, so he paid me $10 too much, and asked if it was okay to pay me $10 less the following week. Not being a thief, I said, "Sure." On Wednesday I tutored Stephanie, who requested $10 change because she too only had twenties. I checked my wallet, but having no change, suggested that she pay me $10 less at the next tutorial. She agreed, and then it hit me. Everything in my life happens twice! (I promise I didn't orchestrate that second instance).
NB: I only tutor two students at the moment, and never before has this kerfuffle over payment occurred.

These are just four examples within the same week. No biggie, right? Wrong! Consider every other week in my life and the possibility that they contain at least four instances of stuff happening twice! (Believe me, I could go on).

I've shared this (tested) theory with several mates. Tatai's dubious to the say the least. The sceptic in him says, "You only take note of the things that happen twice, so of course you'd say that. If you compared those four things with everything that doesn't happen twice, you'd find that the proportion of things happening twice to things happening once is extremely small; and therefore, the things that happen twice are merely coincidences."
Uh, good point. However, "Things that have happened once are only things that have yet to happen again, testified by the examples I have just provided." Come to think of it, I'm fairly certain we've had two conversations about this theory!

Perhaps you too are sceptical. Fair enough, I say, nodding. It isn't a science (yet), for I have no current way of presenting a cause-and-effect relationship between the stuff in my life and the fact that said stuff tends to happen twice. But I'm working on it.

The other obvious question is, "How do you know that the stuff that's happened twice won't happen a third time?"
The answer: "Stuff that happens a third time is destined to happen a fourth. In other words, 'A thing happening twice is itself a thing, which can also happen twice.'" 

Therefore, my theory boils down to this. Everything in my life happens in twos. While 'everything' might be an exaggeration, my theory wouldn't be a theory unless 'stuff happening twice' in my life wasn't so prominent that I became aware of it. Four cases in seven days, I tell you. Beat that!


Friday, 5 July 2013

My smartphone is a culmination of first world problems

I swear that my phone hates me. I've come to believe that it's teeming with thousands of tiny first-world nanomites that refuse to vacate their nest whenever I'm forced to open my phone and fiddle with the battery.

I try to console myself. Think realistically. Be grateful. I mean, none of us is free from the gripes and annoyances that make our lives slightly less convenient. For some it's that dishwasher that doesn't dry the dishes properly; for others it's the unreachable in-flight magazine in Business Class. (You have to get up from your seat and walk three steps in order to attain it). But things could always be worse. A lot worse. I mean, you could---
POOF!
Sorry, that was the sound of my reverie snapping, because my phone decided to die. See what I mean?

My 19-months-old LG-P970 Android and I have had our moments. There was that one time when the battery lasted a whole day, and that other time when my message sent. But I've come to expect none of that any more, largely based on the fact that it fails.

1. About once a fortnight my phone turns itself off -- annoying if I'm sleeping and have to, you know, wake up.

2. About one in every four texts doesn't send. When that happens, my phone notifies me, to which I think, "Oh, a super fast reply!" Then I read it. "Message not sent." RAGE!

3. In about 29 days of every month my phone functions incredibly slowly.

4. My phone battery dies in about nine hours. You can almost watch the green meter whittle away.

5. The headphone receptacle no longer clips the jack properly. So, when I go for a run, the plug pops out after the fifth step, and I lose all motivation to exercise.

6. My phone freezes at the same frequency that it turns itself off.

7. Of all the apps that crash, the home screen crashes the most. HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE!? 

8. When someone calls me, my phone takes until the fourth ring to display the answer and decline options. And then how I answer is itself a mini-game. It might be that all I'll need to do is touch the green 'answer' button. But the next time someone calls, I'll instead have to drag the button from right to left. And even then my phone tends to amp up the difficulty by LAGGING. So by the time that it registers my commands, the caller has already reached my voicemail. DOUBLE RAGE!

9. Apps open by themselves minutes after I close them.

10. Sometimes, when I want to text, say, Nicole, I'll select her name, but my phone will take me to Hamish instead! Since I won't think to check the name at the top of the the screen, it's only when Hamish replies, "Huh?" that I realise I've texted the wrong person. You can imagine the potential for awkward here.

Well, how do I do it? I hear you ask. Believe it or not, there are worse first world problems than a headache-inducing phone. I've considered buying a new phone, which would eliminate this mass inconvenience; but then that would only create the issue known as having no money. And having no money could easily become a genuine problem. So, you know---
POOF!
Oh look, there it goes again.

Friday, 28 June 2013

Wacky things we get told to believe, for no real reason

Case One

One rainy day during high school, I was sitting inside, eating my lunch when Jeanne, a fellow student, decided to educate me.

She'd obviously noticed that I'd peeled my banana like any normal person would:



But it wasn't good enough for her. She approached me, placed her hands on her hips and declared, "You're supposed to peel it from the other end." By 'other end', she meant this:



"Why?" I asked.
"Because that's how monkeys do it."
I looked around to find my friends nodding in agreement, the way you'd nod in agreement if Gandalf had spoken. Evidently Jeanne was quite wise. But I simply raised my eyebrows. "Are you a monkey?"
"What? No," she replied. I think she was upset, because she took off.

Sure, there could be actual reasons, such as the fact that it requires less effort, to peel a banana from the other end, but "because that's how monkeys do it" isn't, of itself, a reason to do anything. Why would we want to mimic monkeys? Should we speak like monkeys, too? Why not go one step further and build nests instead of houses because, you know, that's how birds do it?


Case Two

I never believed in Santa or the Tooth Fairy, or even the Easter Bunny. I think, during my early childhood, my parents must have said, "They aren't real. Don't listen to anyone," in super stern tones. Not that it would've mattered. Everyone outgrows these beliefs sooner or later.

Strangely, a lot of people never stop believing the myth that the daddy longlegs is the most venomous spider on the planet (and that its fangs are too small to pierce human flesh).

I consider myself quite a gullible person, which is why it surprises me when I think back to that fateful day on which I too was told to believe the myth, and refused. Despite being only eight years old, my undeveloped capacitors for reasoning somehow deciphered that the claim didn't make any sense.

"Its fangs are too short. Well isn't that convenient?"
"Why is an eight-year-old schoolmate telling me this, and not the news, or my dad, or someone who knows stuff?"
"Why are there zero reports of someone with a cut on their foot standing on a daddy longlegs and subsequently dying?"

All of these questions rummaged through my mind, ransacking the furniture and messing up the carpet. But I knew better than to argue with a classmate who placed his Scrabble letters diagonally across the board, and whose facial expression said, "No matter what you say, I know more than you."

Here's some research to debunk the myth forever:
"Supposedly, daddy longlegs possess extremely powerful poison, but their fangs are too short to penetrate human skin. To find out, [Mythbusters'] Jaime and Adam hunted down a host of daddy longlegs and took them to a spider specialist who could milk out their venom. Next, the spider specialist compared the toxicity of daddy longlegs venom to black widow venom. The red-bellied widow won out, busting the myth.
A microscopic measurement of the long-legged spider's fangs proved their miniscule quarter-millimeter length could puncture human skin, taking a double bite out of the daddy longlegs myth."

Case Three

Several years ago, I was having lunch at a cafĂ© with some mates. I bought a Coke Zero because... I don't know. "I don't want cancer!" I told myself, which is why I don't know. I think I'd never drank Coke Zero before. Anyway, one of these mates (it might have been Jeanne) said, "Eew! You shouldn't drink that."
"Why not?"
"A chemical in the sweetener is used in embalming liquid!"
I think someone changed the subject, because I never got the chance to say, "And water is used in nuclear power plants. Best not drink that, either."

Thursday, 20 June 2013

Why I didn't study at the Auckland University of Technology University

It was late last year when indecision plagued my mind. The days were becoming longer, the air warmer. Summer was coming, and I had no idea what to do with my life! After much indecision and frustration, a plethora of infinite possibilities was hammered down to a much more surmountable two. The options were:

1. A Masters in Creative Writing at AUT
2. An Advanced Diploma in Applied Writing at Northtec

Both were one year courses, both full time. Thing is, I still had to make a decision, which was, like all decisions, hard. So, being the outside-the-box thinker I am, I decided to do something unspeakable. I decided to cheat Fate. I decided… to apply for BOTH!

Naturally, both institutions got back to me with promising information, playing their respective cards, talking themselves up and whatnot. Some things I noted were that AUT requested a portfolio five times longer than that of Northtec, AUT's site was more sophisticated and easier to navigate, and AUT had a far better reputation. Yet, I was swayed towards Northtec for one simple reason.

Turns out AUT wasn't (and still isn't) its full name. It's AUT University! Or, in full, Auckland University of Technology University.

Not wishing to study at a tertiary institution that can't proof-read - or, at least, explain - its own name, I wrote them an email to withdraw my application.*

I get it. They don't want their university confused with, say, an airport. But there's a reason why you don't go to the ATM machine.

So now I'm studying at Northtec, and it's going rather well. I mean, my thesis-type assignment in this course is, wait for it, the novel I'm writing! Woo!

Still, I shake my head. Surely a reputable institution such as AUT University, which offers advanced courses in Creative Writing, would have editors smart enough to note the jarring, mouthful-of-a-name University University they represent. The name hasn't changed, however, so I can only infer that they do not. I think I made the right choice.
------------------------
*This scruple - and, believe me, it was a mammoth of a scruple - was not actually what vanquished my indecision, but that doesn't mean it wasn't flippin' annoying!

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