How to write an English essay

--UPDATE-- 
I've made a new site dedicated solely to teaching academic writing! Click here to check it out! Every week you'll find a new tutorial, and every tutorial will be easy to read and easy to learn. I'm also writing an ebook that I'll give away free to anyone who subscribes. I hope the site proves useful!
Sadly, I will probably no longer be updating this site. But the new site is better. In every way.

Recently, a friend asked me if I have a template I give to the students I tutor that breaks down essay writing into basic steps. The answer was yes and no. Every student is different; and while I do have a method that I teach them, I also adapt it to the given need of each particular student. What I didn't have was a template that students (and anyone else) could use to teach themselves. After four years, it was about time that I did.

The following template is structured to help high school students understand the steps and processes required to write a logically-structured English essay. If I had to be more specific, I'd say the following guidelines and examples are suited to a Year 12 or Year 13 student preparing for their English exam, though many of the principles apply to any literary or academic essay.

Some fundamental rules for any Literary Essay:

1. A basic Essay consists of an Introduction, three Body Paragraphs, and a Conclusion.
2. Since your Essay seeks to answer a question, every Body Paragraph must answer this question, but each body paragraph discusses a different topic to each other paragraph; it answers the essay question differently. Why? Because answering a question three times rather than once is like surveying a thousand people rather than a hundred. It's more credible.
3. The Body Paragraph structure goes like this: Statement, Example, Explanation, Relevance. Why? Because any logical argument uses this structure, and your Essay is more or less a set of three logical arguments.
4. It's about a million times better if you plan your Paragraph Topics and Examples ahead of writing your Essay.

Essay Structure

(If you already know the structure, but aren't sure how to answer your particular essay question, then click here)

Your Essay essentially consists of three different Sandwiches inside a fourth, all-consuming Burger Bun. Body Paragraph 1 is a Tuna Sandwich; Body Paragraph 2 is a Steak Sandwich; and Body Paragraph 3 is a Ham Sandwich. Holding these Sandwiches together are your Introduction (bottom half of burger bun) and Conclusion (top half of burger bun).

In other words, an Essay is a giant Sandwich Burger, and the best Essays make for the sandwich-iest of Sandwich Burgers.

Essay Topic

When choosing your Essay Topic, pick the topic that you know the most about. For instance, I chose this one.

Discuss how the influence of a character in a film you have studied helped to convey a main idea.

Now, before you do anything else, substitute specific terms for the general terms given in your Essay Topic. It makes it easier for you when you come to writing your Introduction.

Note that 'main idea', 'author's purpose', 'central idea', and other such phrases all mean the same thing as the word 'theme'.

Common question: "The essay topic didn't mention film techniques. Does this mean I can ignore them altogether?"
Answer: No! You might pass without a mention of film techniques, just as you might pass without using any quotes. To get a high mark, however, you will want to write as rich a discussion as possible, which means lots of quotes and lots of techniques!

The Introduction

Your Introduction is called an Introduction for a reason: it introduces the content for the rest of your Essay. In burger terms, it prepares the bottom of the burger bun for the three Sandwiches that you're about to assemble on top of it.

An Introduction must contain the following information: The title of your text; the name of the author/director; the main idea (theme) you've chosen; the three topics you're going to discuss that prove (or justify) your main idea; and why the reader should care.

So, for your Introduction, here is the information you might use:

Title: Equip Your Comma or Die

Director: Conifer Miteroot

Theme: Good grammar prevents chaos

Paragraph topics: 1) Anna's introduction; 2) teenagers' change in perspective; 3) Anna's death.
Message for society: Preservation of language

Assuming that this film actually existed, here's an introduction that you might write based on the above information:

Tips for your Introduction: 

1. If you don't know how to start your Intro, begin with the phrase 'In so and so's text...' and, from there, turn your Essay topic into a declarative sentence, as above.
2. Never use the phrase 'In this essay...'. It's as tacky as a novel beginning with the words 'Once upon a time...'.
3. Don't consider the length of your Intro; it has nothing to do with anything. Instead, focus on the information that your Intro is supposed to provide. As soon as you've covered everything, move on to your Body.
4. Each Sandwich must be its own flavour; every paragraph topic must be different.
5. The message to society part of your Intro simply means stating what the overall message is to us as viewers.

Congratulations! You've now completed the bottom half of your burger bun.

The Body 

The body consists of your three Sandwiches. Each Sandwich must be compiled with the right ingredients for its desired flavour (topic), and these ingredients must also be compiled in the correct order. In case you've forgotten the order, it goes as follows:

Statement - A declarative sentence, or a bold claim that has yet to be proven. (For instance, the first sentence of my Introduction is a Statement.)

Example - Briefly describe the part of a scene from the text that you believe provides proof for your Statement.

Explanation - Explain your Example to show how it connects with your Statement.

Relevance - Show how your proven Statement is evidence of the main idea (theme).

For some people, it's easier to pretend you're answering four questions:

Statement - What is one scene from the text in which the theme was shown?

Example - Where's the proof?

Explanation - What's your point?

Relevance - What has your point got to do with the theme?

Don't move on until you've answered all four questions!

Tips for building your Sandwich (Body Paragraph):

1. Always start with a Statement and always end with your Relevance.
2. In between your Statement and your Relevance, you may have as many Examples and Explanations as you like, so long as you never leave an Example unexplained.

Here's a Body Paragraph you might write for the first Paragraph Topic:

Quotes and Techniques
The use of quotes is expected from you for any English essay, and the use of film techniques is expected from you for any English film essay. Why? Because the theme is always shown through the use of techniques. Anna Postrophe's character introduced order within chaos not because I said so, but because the arguing stopped upon her arrival. This shift in mood was supported through her orderly clothes (costume), the light from the street sign (lighting) and her cane (props). If you point out these details and then explain how they support the theme, you'll get lots of points!

Treat your Examples and Explanations as meat for your Sandwich, and treat quotes and techniques like sauces. Sauces add flavour to the meat you've already added; they show finesse in the art of Sandwichery. But never try to use quotes or techniques to make your points for you. You must have meat in order to add sauce!

Assemble two more Sandwiches, and then you'll be up to...

The Conclusion
My personal formula below makes Conclusions as basic as your Introduction.

Rephrase Intro - Restate the first part of your Intro in different words.
Summarise Body - Write a brief summary of your three Body Paragraph points.
Reflect - State what we as viewers can learn from the film.

Here's an example.

And that's the top of the burger bun!

Conclusion tips:

1. If you're finding it hard to rephrase your Introduction, simply start the sentence with a different word. In the Intro I began with the word "in", while in the conclusion I began with the author's name.
2. The summary in the Conclusion is a rephrased version of the summary in the Intro.
3. The Reflect section is entirely made up. End how you like, so long as it follows from what you've already discussed. This section is also a rephrased and fluffier version of the 'relation to society' sentence that you wrote in your Introduction.

More tips:

1. For the Intro and Conclusion, never write anything you'll have to explain. Remember, the Examples and Explanations form the meat for your Sandwiches, and your Sandwiches form your Body.
2. The content for your Introduction and your Conclusion is based on what you write in your Body. For this reason, many students find it easier to write their Body first before writing their Introduction and Conclusion.
3. Never repeat yourself.
4. The Essay structure above applies to any literary essay, not just film. The only differences are the techniques.
5. For higher marks, strain your vocabulary, apply accurate grammar and punctuation, and vary the structure of your sentences.

How to answer any English essay question

Copyright Matthew Ferri 2014

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Dream Logic: Brian, Matt and Nicole join a cult

It's super rare when I remember next to every detail of a dream. Yet, on one fateful morning last year, I woke up and remembered everything. It was a satisfying dream, satisfying and funny. So I grabbed a pen and paper and hurriedly scrawled everything down before I forgot. This week I rediscovered the paper, and henceforth adapted it into a story.

In Wonderland, Dream Logic makes your decisions for you. It also decides what makes sense and what doesn't. This is probably the reason why, when Brian invited me to join his 'church family', the only words that spilled from my mouth were "yes" and "sir".

He drove me to their house of worship, though from the outside it looked like nothing more than a house of, well, living. It also looked old. Vines climbed the forlorn walls like snakes, rust covered the pipes, and every window was smeared either black or grey.

"Are you sure that we're at the right place?" I asked.

He turned to me and smiled. "Of course. The place on the left is a fish'n chip shop."
I sighed. Brian had a fondness for puns - an unhealthy fondness. My fear was that he had a similar relationship with this so-called 'church'. "Come in," he continued. "I'll show you inside."

Inside was no less house-like and old. I scuffed a piece of torn carpet on my way into the lounge. Ancient furniture was strewn haphazard around the room, and on one side a weathered sofa faced the fattest television I'd ever seen. The air was damp. It smelled of wet wood and stale tea.
I turned to Brian. "Where is everyone?"
"In their rooms, smoking weed," he replied. 
I snickered. He had to be joking.
Floorboards groaned beneath my feet as we continued into the hall, where doors and ripped wallpaper lined the walls. A dozen doors led into small bedrooms of identical size and shape, to which I thought, Of course! Here, Dream Logic dictated that the sheer number of bedrooms set churches apart from dilapidated houses - for this was the only difference.

Brian paused outside a bedroom. "This one's mine. Every member has their own."

"You guys sleep here?" I asked.

"Better. We live here." He patted my shoulder. "So, are you in?"

I peered through some of the other rooms, and the residents therein glared back. One of them spat at me, but the projectile saliva cleared barely half the distance before shrivelling on the old carpet. Another resident lit his cigarette. The smoke it emitted was pungent and alluring. So, he wasn't joking after all. Yet I found myself turning back to my friend and forcing a smile. "You bet I am!"

Before you ask, it wasn't the promise of drugs that persuaded me. Rather, I was concerned for Brian. He'd signed up with some church I'd never before heard about, and everything within their sanctuary made me dubious to say the least. I had to investigate further, and the best way to do so was to pretend that I was one of them. I signed the invisible contract, and Brian showed me to my room - the thirteenth room, which, thanks to Dream Logic, didn't need explaining.

Brian stopped by the threshold and gestured a hand inside. "All yours," he said. "Well, it's not all yours. One thirteenth of this house is yours." He chuckled.

"Very funny," I said.

It took only a day for me to discover that this church was no less a cultists' hideout. The ruined state of this place was a sign in and of itself, but, moreover, the residents were mean. When I spied one of them using a hacksaw to cut his sandwich in two, I knew at once that these cultists were no good. Brian deserved friends who were more stable than these.

I awoke on the second morning to discover that I was alone in the house. So I did a little digging in Brian's room, opening drawers, upturning lazy mounds of clothes. Beneath his bed was a zip-lock bag half-filled with... dry leaves. I opened the bag, raised it to my nose and took a whiff. Interesting. I didn't get as far as the cigarettes, a row of which lay pre-rolled beside a lighter, also under the bed. Instead, I took out my phone. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. Mean people on drugs - this place had to be a cult. But I couldn't warn Brian. If he was smoking marijuana like the rest of them, then he was fully committed. He was sure to be more loyal to them than to me. 

I needed someone I could trust - someone with friendship as their incentive. So I sent Nicole a text. "I need your help. Brian's joined a cult."
"I'll be right over," she replied. Not leftover, I thought. Then I cringed. Damn it, Brian.

When Nicole arrived, I told her everything.
"There isn't a doubt in my mind," she said. "This place is definitely a cult."
"I know, right!"
"So, how do we bring them down?"
I brandished my phone. "The GPS says that the origin of this cult is a fifteen minute drive from here. If we head there, the cult will be instantly destroyed."
She nodded. "I'd better sign up first to prevent suspicion."
"Good idea."

For no reason at all, we decided to venture out the next morning. Nicole had voiced her concerns about spending a night in the cult house, stating that the residents might learn of our plans to betray them. But her fears were quelled when God spoke to her in a dream that night.
"If they discover what you're up to, you can sneak out through your bedroom window," God said.
Nicole was instantly relieved. "Oh, I feel suddenly better now."

You might be wondering how I knew of Nicole's dream. Well, I too was given a dream from God, in which He relayed to me exactly what He'd said to Nicole, through subtitles (the sounds in my dream were muted).

We took Nicole's car. The GPS led us to a field where lush grass mingled with the dark green hummocks and pines. The earth was wet, and I thought the car would sink in the soil. But I'd just taken a step outside when a notification on my phone read, "Cult destroyed."
I showed Nicole the message. "All done."
"Great," she said. "Let's go."

Even though we didn't actually do anything, we left with a great sense of achievement in our hearts, and emptiness in mine. That place looked great for a walk, but Dream Override wouldn't let me veer from my predetermined course. 
Speaking of predetermined, we stopped at the cult house once more. All the residents, including Brian, had disappeared - Dream Confirmation that we'd succeeded in bringing them down.
"What's that?" Nicole asked, pointing to a loose DVD face-down on the carpet.
"I don't know," I said. "But we can find out."
I shoved the disc into the player beneath the fat TV. I pressed 'play', sat on the sofa, watched as the black and white static flickered into colour. It was a documentary. A young boy, no older than six, stood in the shadow of Adolf Hitler himself. Around them crowds of people hustled across the scene: a backdrop of brown, dilapidated buildings. Hitler stared down the boy, who quavered in fear. But unbeknownst to Hitler, the boy was also drawing a gun. Slowly, he raised it, pressed its nozzle against Hitler's coat, and pulled the trigger. 
I was on the edge of my seat, and a gasp from Nicole revealed that she was the same. Was this how Hitler truly died?
But the gun never fired; and my heart sank as the voice-over slowly announced that, to the boy's dismay, the firearm was all but a toy.

Hitler smiled, but I never got to see the rest. Already the doors to reality were zooming towards me. Time in Wonderland was up.
And then I was in bed, curious as to how Brian could instantly throw his life away to all at once live in a run-down house with infinite bedrooms. Dream Logic would tell me not to worry - we saved him, didn't we? - but where did he go? Nicole and I never found out. The rogue DVD distracted us. Perhaps Brian's fate awaits us in Part Two. Perhaps he went home and forgot to tell us.

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The pros and cons of wearing prescription contacts

While cooking dinner last week, I noticed I wasn't tearing up while cutting onions. Granted, 'tearing up' is a bit of an exaggeration, but, to clarify, I was completely unaffected. Then it dawned on me: I was wearing contact lenses.

Then, because I've worn them for seven years, and because cooking was relatively unexciting, I thought of a pros and cons list for wearing said lenses!

Pro:

Since you're wearing something non-human in your eyes, you become slightly less human yourself, and slightly more cyborg... and therefore more awesome.

Con:

You're 5 times more likely to get an eye infection - 15 times if you sleep in your contacts.

Pro:

You acquire a moderate resistance to tears while cutting onions. (Cut onions with confidence!)

Con:

They cost you about $250NZD/year, $350 counting the stuff you put them in when not in use, $420 counting the recommended annual check-up.

Pro:

You get to enjoy 20/20 vision without the blurry border, a la glasses.

Con:

Applying and removing them (each) requires an extra minute out of your day.

Pro:

Instantly obliterates the common fear of touching one's own eyes. (Touch slimy surfaces with confidence!)

Con:

Deciding which side is up can occasionally be a pain (literally).

There are two methods to tell whether or not you have them in the right way.

1) Sight

If they're inside-out they look less like a bowl and more like a pitcher plant.

2) Touch

The pitcher plant is carnivorous, much like the Venus fly trap, or the inside-out contact lens. If method (1) doesn't work for you (and there are days where the visual difference is so minimal you end up guessing), then the subsequent sensation that your eye is being eaten and/or stabbed by daggers will no doubt eliminate the ambiguity.

Of course, if you don't experience this feeling, then you can rejoice, because it means you guessed right! 

All in all, you can't go wrong.

Pro:
If one falls out (or you only wear one for whatever reason), you can see clearly and blurry all at once! But that's not all. If you shut one eye, everything's perfect; if you shut the other eye instead, everything's fuzzy! Not bad if you're bored on the bus ride home.

Con:
If one falls out, that's a loss of $18.

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YOLO and Idiocracy

I recently saw a film called Idiocracy, in which Joe Bauers gets cryogenically frozen for 500 years, only to reawaken to a world full of idiots. The premise makes the assumption that families who are more productive tend to be less intelligent, more intelligent couples produce less kids, and, therefore, the intelligent die out, and the stupid survive.

Makes sense, I thought; but it wasn't until the year 2505 that I was rendered fully petrified.

In this new society, Starbucks is a brothel of sorts, rubbish dumps reach higher than Everest, and plants are 'watered' with Gatorade because "it has electrolytes". When Mr Bauers asks a bunch of loiterers for directions, they get mad and one of them says, "You're starting to sound faggy." When he pleads with a stranger to help him, and promises gold for his assistance, the stranger replies, "I like moneys." And when Joe enquires where he can get water to drink, the response is, "What, like, water from the toilet?"

I can't speak much for the film's premise since, as it happens, I'm not exactly playing my part in spawning a formidable team of mini-Matts. But needless to say, this extreme decline in human intelligence (and with it, the English language) left me asking, "Could this be happening right now?" And you know what? I think it could, evidenced by the infamous term "YOLO!"

It's a shame it's white. There'll be no hope of concealing my vomit.

Aside from the fact that saying YOLO makes whatever you've just said, are saying, or are about to say contain 100% less integrity, it's also a contradiction. You only live once, yes, so why are you wasting your breath (and reputation) saying YOLO? The term destroys itself, yet no one seems to notice.

Thankfully, not one of my friends takes it seriously. For instance, when Naomi says it, she puts on an extremely pompous English accent and drags the word until you've forgotten whatever it is she was on about. And then we all laugh.

Like 'yous' and 'totes' and other mutations of language, YOLO must only be said as a joke or a jest. We must expose the mutation for what it is, for there are those who do use the term seriously, and it's these people who serve only to pave the slippery slope down which intellect itself will soon tumble and fall... from a teetering pile of junk (a metaphor for crappy words and acronyms) the size of Mount Everest.

And as for the mini-Matts, well, at least now I have a sensible reason to have kids!

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Does Grammar really Matter?

Grammar and Punctuation¹: a volatile blend of simplicity and complexity. Simple in purpose, yet horrendously difficult to master. Each one of us knows what the term means - it isn't rocket science - but when it comes to hearing its application, I oftentimes close my eyes, picturing a cave occupied by men and women. They wear the skins of primitive beasts, and their tools are a collection of stones and bones. Fittingly, like the mammoth they slew and from whose bones they procured, grammar and punctuation is too great a beast to simply tame. It must be laid to rest.

Forsooth, some say that grammar doesn't matter; that it is an old-fashioned mix of arbitrary rules belonging to a minority who refuses to adapt; that those who claim to be well-versed are all compensating for things of actual significance that they lack; or that it is only relevant in some situations, like during a job interview or an exam.²

Such claims are bold, but they are no bolder than the ones proclaimed from those who hold a different view. Indeed, some would go so far as to say that grammar and punctuation might be the Achilles heel of today's Western society.

To those who uphold the former-most view, that language is changing, and that we ought to change with it: I agree. Language is always changing, much like fashion. Yet, no matter the fashion, there are standards; and in every instance, there is a scale ranging from inappropriate to over-dressed, with just right sitting in the middle. It is the same with grammar. There are standards, even today - standards that many people would rather do away with. I might want to wear shorts and a tee shirt instead of a suit to my wedding, but you would all gawk at me (or not attend) if I actually did. Likewise, I gawk at the eight out of ten native English-speaking people who can't differentiate 'have' from 'of'.

Granted, this comparison fails to shed any light as to why grammar and punctuation matters in the strictest sense of the word, and it even appears to support the claim that grammar is only important in some situations, like during a job interview or an exam. Perhaps that is because this claim is spot on. Just like most things, finely-tuned grammar only truly matters when its counterpart, poor grammar, bears unwanted consequences. Applying sun block at the beach matters because, if I don't, I'll get burnt. Correctly-punctuated writing matters in an exam because the alternative is to lose marks. Following is a spam email I recently received.

------------------

T-Mobile Nederland BV
Waldorpstraat 60,
2521 CC Den Haag,
The Netherlands.
online-client service.

CONGRATULATION!

From T-mobile NL we are proud to inform you that your email address have
won you 850,000.00euros from our online anual coordination.

Chose an option which you will like to receive your winnings presenting
along side your winning reff number: NL/VV5-421/0031012.

(1). Come to the Redemption centre here in the Netherlands.
(2). On-line Bank Transfer
(3). Courier Delivery service

Congratulations once again.
Regards,
Robijn van-kloose.
Award Coordinator for T-mobile NL

------------------

A sore thumb is a grave understatement in illustrating just how jarring this email is to anyone with half a brain. Indeed, it is completely submerged in discrepancy. You might have noticed that the word in capitals is missing a letter. Just one letter of a fifteen-letter word, yet we all notice it, and I'm sure we would all agree that it is unacceptable. Even with the 'S', the word itself, capitalised to grab the reader's attention, is a tell-tale sign of spam, yet the typo (I'll give them that much) is icing on the cake. Then there are 99 others. You see, even if I would have been so easily fooled, this one slip up is the ultimate sacrifice of credibility.

Credibility. It matters.

Things that uphold credibility: research, enthusiasm, confidence, good grammar.

If you can't back up a claim, prepare to be criticised. If your tone is dry and stale, prepare to be ignored. If you sound as confused as the people you're trying to instruct, prepare to be questioned. If your grammar is atrocious, then you can forget about everything else; you're going in the spam folder! Essentially, in all cases where you want to be taken seriously, strong grammar and punctuation strictly does matter.

via cheezburger.com

But what about in all other cases? Does grammar matter on Facebook, on Skype, or in casual emails? Your first response might be: no, it doesn't. You have nothing to prove on these mediums; you type like you talk; and there is no reason to put any effort into it. Fair enough, I say. And once again, I completely agree. In fact, I see no need to comment on the structure of someone's imperfect Facebook status when there isn't any pressing reason for them to write it correctly. If everyone understands it, and it makes sense, then that's all that matters. My hope is that, in cases where grammar does matter, they know what to do, and they'll get it right.

There is a difference, however, between a man who knows better but simply doesn't care, and a man who strives to get his grammar and punctuation correct, yet falters at the last word. My view is that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. In other words, it's only when there's a genuine mistake that I consider addressing the author. In such a case, my train of thought plays something like this: "If John has made a grammatical mistake despite making an effort not to, then he is likely to make the same mistake at a later time when it may prove detrimental." What is the next step upon this realisation? Do I point out the food caught between his teeth, or do I leave it unnoticed, hoping that he won't be too embarrassed when he eventually gets given a mirror?

In essence, grammar and punctuation on mediums like Facebook doesn't matter, or at least it wouldn't matter if these social mediums were the be all and end all of communication. But they aren't. Eventually, you will write something - a report, an essay, a personal statement - in which your understanding of grammar and punctuation will be your backbone. A good performance requires practice. Whether or not your grasp of English needs a polish is entirely up to you. Perhaps you know it well enough; but when it comes down to it, will you know where to place the apostrophe, if any? Should there be a comma before the quotation, or not? And can you properly distinguish its and it's, or there, their and they're? Your lecturer can. Your employer can. If you can't, then teach yourself. Google it, learn it, then practise it. 

Facebook, text, email - they might not matter right now, but they will matter when it's too late. For the sake of a job interview or exam, it's not unheard of to, you know, prepare.

For those times where grammar and punctuation strictly matters, every other instance may or may not matter in retrospect. It is your call to make. But it's all part of a constitution, and governing that constitution is a language that probably stems from your childhood. Do you remember? You learned a 26-letter alphabet, and you came to appreciate 26, not 25, distinct characters as the building blocks for communication. Today, not once do you forget one and replace it with more of the others. You accepted the whole package. It was either that, or nothing at all. Creating your own language, choosing your own rules, it doesn't work. You speak English, a constitution complete with standards and guidelines. Typing "your" when you mean "you're" is like spelling CONGRATULATIONS without the S. It's incomplete and, quite frankly, irresponsible. This, my friends, is why grammar and punctuation matters. It's the same reason the letter 'S' matters in the English alphabet. Forget everything else. You can punctuate and spell how you like on Facebook; you can rebel against your employers with a typo-ridden resume; but you can't then call it English. English has 26 letters; it has spelling and grammar rules; and it has punctuation marks.

If you say "should of" or "yous" or "Some-think", then by all means, keep saying these things. I trust you of all people are the smartest of us all, for your grasp of language is so firm that you feel confident to play with it, as if the tendon above the heel bears no limit to its stretch.

----------------

1. As both nouns are part of the same constitution, I'm treating them as a single term. For instance, "Parks and Recreation" IS a TV program.

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7E-aoXLZGY I love this!

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Introverts 101

*Interlaced with helpful analogies and metaphors!

Introverts are often misunderstood. I would know, because I'm one of them. But we're humans too, and like all human beings - regardless of gender, race or hair colour - we just want to be acknowledged. But how can we be acknowledged unless we're understood? Thus, I shall endeavour to explain, in a logical fashion, how introverts work based on my own experience and the general nods of affirmation I've received in previous discussions on the subject with like-minded people. The key term to keep in mind is social energy. Having said that, it must be noted that a man should not, upon reading this, put introverts, or anyone else for that matter, into a box labelled 'explained'. After all, "you're unique, just like everyone else." Rather, I hope only to demystify, even if just a little bit, the clouded notion people tend to equip pertaining to introverts.

Social energy is exactly what it implies: it's the energy one has to be social. Like sleep, we all need it, and like regular energy, it's expendable. Some people have large social energy 'tanks', if you will, while others have smaller ones. Of these people, some expend their energy quickly, while others are able to trickle it out over a long period of time. I for one use it up pretty fast. It sort of gushes out (I often appear quite extroverted), but I'm able to adapt to the situation. For instance, I can go to a four-day non-stop social conference, and use it up over those four days, or I can go on a two-week long non-stop social trip to Nelson, and have enough social energy to last the entire time there. Regardless, at some point or another, the social energy depletes, and from there it needs time to restore itself. For the introvert, this means being alone, or around few people, just so he or she is recuperating social energy faster than he or she is spending it. I'm sure everyone needs time alone sometimes; but introverts undoubtedly need more. Lots more.

During this period, social events are hideous beasts, while time by oneself is heaven on earth. Therefore, if a friend text messages me, "Hey, come over! I want to catch up with you and ten other people all at once!" I'm likely to say no. However, it's not because I don't like them, or any of the other ten people for that matter. It's simply because I can't be social right now. I'll talk sparsely, get irritated easily, and wish I wasn't there. Simply put, my company wouldn't be enjoyed, and I'd think myself inconsiderate. As a general rule, I don't take well to spontaneity. However, you might notice that even your introverted friends take quite kindly to spontaneous events, at times. This would likely be because you caught them at a time when their social energy is high, and they're rearing to use it like a dying man in a desert is rearing to drink of the fresh waters and eat the magical pineapples in the sparkling oasis he's just discovered. However, like this sparkling oasis, such occasions are rare and should not be depended on.

via blog.lib.umn.edu

You see, introverts generally like to plan ahead. This is because social energy cannot simply be 'summoned' when there is none. So, if my social energy is low, and you invite me to an event today, I will likely decline, even if I'm not doing anything. However, if you invite me to something a few days in advance, I'll likely accept, because I can plan for my social energy meter to be full and usable. If it's planned, it'll work out.

On that note, there is another factor to consider when trying to understand the concept of social energy. You see, I like socialising, but I also like not socialising (often, choosing between the two is like choosing which flavour Subway to get: not easy!) I also get accustomed to things that are yet to happen. I might have a super busy few weeks, but know that Saturday is going to be a nothing-at-all day, which I'll look forward to, and which will thus motivate me to get through the week in high spirits. However, if, on Friday, some friends invite me to lunch on Saturday, I might say no, because it violates my plans to do nothing. However, if they invited me before I made those plans, then I would've said yes! I also said yes to a two-week long beach mission in Nelson, because I had time to think, and I was given six months' notice.¹ In short, social energy not only restores over time, but even when full, it often needs time to prepare itself. Your food might be in the fridge, but it needs time to heat up.

I hope the concept of social energy is easy to grasp. If so, then it should have helped to explain and justify why introverts like me need time alone: primarily to recuperate and to prepare. When my social energy is high, I talk a lot, and appear very extroverted; but I could just as easily be at home doing nothing, and that's equally fun. However, everyone's different, and when an introvert declines your invitation to the game, or when he or she is quieter than normal, it might not have anything to do with social energy. It might just be that they don't like rugby, or that they have nothing to say. It might even be because they're busy. Introverts make plans, too, you know. In the end, don't adopt the idea of social energy to every instance where an introvert says 'no' to you. And don't bother asking why, either; it'd take all my social energy to explain it again.

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1. You don't need to give me six months' notice, or any notice. Just don't take it to heart if I say 'no'.

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Why the phrase "Like if you agree" is ridiculous

There comes a time in all of our lives when we're bombarded with an obstacle that serves little to no purpose and only manages to induce a level of frustration those on a tight schedule don't have the time to overcome. These include, but are not limited to, pedestrian crossings beside traffic islands; excessive use of road cones around something like a decent-sized shard of glass; and single trees situated in the middle of parking lots, rendering the forward-out car movement both impossible and hazardous.

However, the most terrible man-made catastrophe is also the most recent, namely, in-your-face captions that assume people are idiots, but tell them nothing they didn't already know. The battered, beaten and torn-from-its-limbs-before-being-burned phrase, "Like if you agree".

There's a reason why no one adds this line to the end of their status updates. It's the same reason why a drink bottle doesn't have "drink if you're thirsty" written on its side, or why a pizza doesn't have "edible" scribbled all over it (in sauce).

Anyone who's anyone knows what it means to like something; and of those people, everyone knows what it means to like something on Facebook! Which therefore makes the phrase 'like if you agree' redundant in all circumstances. Yet, it's used as the caption for so many photos and quotes, predominantly on Facebook!

Whenever I come across this phrase, I think to myself, "As opposed to what?" or "Are there people so stupid they have to be told to like something?" or "You could reword that to, 'agree if you agree', since people generally like things they agree with. And you know how stupid it would sound then? Super stupid!"

Of course, such thoughts do nothing to better the community. Naturally, the activist in me leaps to the stage and makes its mark by not liking the post even if I agree with it simply because it has that rotten caption stuck to it like a cancerous growth. I know it's not much, but if we all did it, maybe it'd go away.

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