Introverts 101

*Interlaced with helpful analogies and metaphors!

Introverts are often misunderstood. I would know, because I'm one of them. But we're humans too, and like all human beings - regardless of gender, race or hair colour - we just want to be acknowledged. But how can we be acknowledged unless we're understood? Thus, I shall endeavour to explain, in a logical fashion, how introverts work based on my own experience and the general nods of affirmation I've received in previous discussions on the subject with like-minded people. The key term to keep in mind is social energy. Having said that, it must be noted that a man should not, upon reading this, put introverts, or anyone else for that matter, into a box labelled 'explained'. After all, "you're unique, just like everyone else." Rather, I hope only to demystify, even if just a little bit, the clouded notion people tend to equip pertaining to introverts.

Social energy is exactly what it implies: it's the energy one has to be social. Like sleep, we all need it, and like regular energy, it's expendable. Some people have large social energy 'tanks', if you will, while others have smaller ones. Of these people, some expend their energy quickly, while others are able to trickle it out over a long period of time. I for one use it up pretty fast. It sort of gushes out (I often appear quite extroverted), but I'm able to adapt to the situation. For instance, I can go to a four-day non-stop social conference, and use it up over those four days, or I can go on a two-week long non-stop social trip to Nelson, and have enough social energy to last the entire time there. Regardless, at some point or another, the social energy depletes, and from there it needs time to restore itself. For the introvert, this means being alone, or around few people, just so he or she is recuperating social energy faster than he or she is spending it. I'm sure everyone needs time alone sometimes; but introverts undoubtedly need more. Lots more.

During this period, social events are hideous beasts, while time by oneself is heaven on earth. Therefore, if a friend text messages me, "Hey, come over! I want to catch up with you and ten other people all at once!" I'm likely to say no. However, it's not because I don't like them, or any of the other ten people for that matter. It's simply because I can't be social right now. I'll talk sparsely, get irritated easily, and wish I wasn't there. Simply put, my company wouldn't be enjoyed, and I'd think myself inconsiderate. As a general rule, I don't take well to spontaneity. However, you might notice that even your introverted friends take quite kindly to spontaneous events, at times. This would likely be because you caught them at a time when their social energy is high, and they're rearing to use it like a dying man in a desert is rearing to drink of the fresh waters and eat the magical pineapples in the sparkling oasis he's just discovered. However, like this sparkling oasis, such occasions are rare and should not be depended on.

via blog.lib.umn.edu

You see, introverts generally like to plan ahead. This is because social energy cannot simply be 'summoned' when there is none. So, if my social energy is low, and you invite me to an event today, I will likely decline, even if I'm not doing anything. However, if you invite me to something a few days in advance, I'll likely accept, because I can plan for my social energy meter to be full and usable. If it's planned, it'll work out.

On that note, there is another factor to consider when trying to understand the concept of social energy. You see, I like socialising, but I also like not socialising (often, choosing between the two is like choosing which flavour Subway to get: not easy!) I also get accustomed to things that are yet to happen. I might have a super busy few weeks, but know that Saturday is going to be a nothing-at-all day, which I'll look forward to, and which will thus motivate me to get through the week in high spirits. However, if, on Friday, some friends invite me to lunch on Saturday, I might say no, because it violates my plans to do nothing. However, if they invited me before I made those plans, then I would've said yes! I also said yes to a two-week long beach mission in Nelson, because I had time to think, and I was given six months' notice.¹ In short, social energy not only restores over time, but even when full, it often needs time to prepare itself. Your food might be in the fridge, but it needs time to heat up.

I hope the concept of social energy is easy to grasp. If so, then it should have helped to explain and justify why introverts like me need time alone: primarily to recuperate and to prepare. When my social energy is high, I talk a lot, and appear very extroverted; but I could just as easily be at home doing nothing, and that's equally fun. However, everyone's different, and when an introvert declines your invitation to the game, or when he or she is quieter than normal, it might not have anything to do with social energy. It might just be that they don't like rugby, or that they have nothing to say. It might even be because they're busy. Introverts make plans, too, you know. In the end, don't adopt the idea of social energy to every instance where an introvert says 'no' to you. And don't bother asking why, either; it'd take all my social energy to explain it again.

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1. You don't need to give me six months' notice, or any notice. Just don't take it to heart if I say 'no'.