It's something of a virtual garden,
this Facebook. Out of the soil we call newsfeed grows fruits, vegetables, flowers
and weeds. The weeds are villains, as you will know, strangling every flower of
life and substance, capturing every fruit beneath stem and sprout. I try to
hide them myself, but the task is no lasting cure, and the routine is growing ever more onerous. Perhaps I should quit this garden altogether. Or… or I could
share the following list with the world. Yes. Yes I see it now. This is the cure!
Uh, right. Ahem.
You should never…
1. Facebook your problems
You won't get my attention, no
matter how vague you are. In fact, you'll get my UN-attention. That is, I will
hide you.
2. Send people game requests
Every time I get a game request, I
a) block said request, b) consider blocking the requester, and c) think to
myself, "I'd rather play a real game." And then I do.
3. Instagram photos of food
Trust me, honey, you ain't gonna make that fried chicken look any less nasty no matter which photo editing programme's ass you worship.
4. Say "Hi" to me (and nothing else) after years of silence
Crickets chirping. Tumbleweed
hovering. A vulture squawking. Me ignoring (you).
5. Upload photos of yourself posing in front of a mirror
Look at yourself! Oh wait, you
are, all the time. That's admirable.
6. Use a false name
I will likely forget who you are and unfriend you.
7. Ask me why I unfriended you
I might be tempted to use a false name so you can't... oh wait.
8. Write something entirely unrelated to the status under which you're commenting
Status: Bought our first house!
Appropriate comment: Nice!
Inappropriate comment: Did I leave my phone in your car? *hic*
9. Add me even though you've never met me
If you do this, I'll have to go
through the tiring process of clicking on your profile, scanning your friends list for any mutual friends, your timeline for anything familiar, and my memory for some past event involving you. After having zero success on all accounts, I'll see that you've added anyone and everyone. Well don't, stranger! It's annoying!
10. Upload a photo of yourself with the caption, "Lol, I'm so ugly" (or some variation that implies the same thing).
Lol, I'm such a noob at grammar.
Lol, I don't know the first thing about spelling. Lol, what is English? Lol. WE
AREN'T IDIOTS.
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