Saturday 28 April 2012

Simplifying English


Speaking. Using words. Putting. Sentences. Together. It's all so very irksome and tedious, isn't it? We try to lighten the load ourselves - refusing to correctly align subjects and predicates; replacing ‘have’ with ‘of’ (this particular point deserves a post of its own); shortening extensively long words like 'probably' into 'prob', 'sorry' into 'soz', and 'totally' into… you get the idea. But our  noble efforts do little to ease the pain. They barely manage to make our insurmountable loads any less insurmountable. The burden of having to talk incessantly hammers on our weary souls.

The problem is this: we're social creatures; it’s in our nature to keep trying - for the future of mankind or something. But our current methods to suppress our survival requirements are hardly sufficient. Honestly, if you’re going to screw up the English language, then commit, I say. Make it count! Yes, yes, you think I’m all talk; but please, let me finish! My wisdom comes in the form of both critique and gifts: remedies and painkillers for even the most encumbered of language victims. And if you wish to see the light of day again, to experience freedom – not words – emanating from your lips, and to distinguish the beauty and magic of life from the yoke of slavery (known as language), then it is in your best interests to accept my metaphorical wares. They’re free, after all. Allow me to explain.

1. Double or Triple Contractions
In informal circumstances, we like to condense two words into one. I’m doing it right now, even. But this solution doesn’t last. Sooner or later we’re mumbling like a crazy person, or fish, wide-eyed for no other reason than because a fish has no eyelids. It’s only logical that contracted words simply aren’t contracted enough. So instead of merging two words into one, try three, four, or six!
“You shouldn’t’ve scared the cat!”
“Was it scared, or just startled?”
“Well, in any case, ’twould’nt’ve’(nt)2 been either if you’dn’t been so careless!”
“Touche, father. Touche.”

2. Verb Nouns!
That’s a command, not a new type of noun - though it may as well be. Like contracting words, we also do this from time to time. Sometimes consciously: "I have not tried googling this blog," or "I really like Matt’s advice. I’ll Facebook a link to it." And other times more naturally: "I’ve been reading Matt’s blog for far too long, and my house still needs painting. Meh, I’ll text Bobette to do it." But there are so many more situations where nouns can verb – like that one there for instance.
See how much more better language can be? Experiment freely with verbs and nouns. Verb away, I say! In no time the two will be one and the same.

3. Advocate non-existent past tense verbs
This one’s easy. Unfortunately it’s also the least productive method by which to, of course, shed some of that lifelong burden we call coherent speaking. But beggars can’t be choosers, am I right? Anyway, this final solution involves taking past tense verbs that aren’t verbs but should be, and using them excessively.
“As I clumb the mountain, I stopped to eat my microwove steak pie. It was raining, but it’s not as if I mound. What I did mind were the bits of fat, which adhore to my horrendous beard. If only I’d shove this morning.”

By way of these amazing non-verbs becoming verbs, we can do away with entire letters and syllables! English is wreck—err, our lives can finally flourish!

These are trying times, my friends. We have to stick together; and to do that, communication is key. Fish can’t survive on land, yet it’s this treacherous terrain upon which we’re cursed to dwell. Language may totes be a means to an end, but your lives are priceless. So please, take my advice, and live.

Wednesday 25 April 2012

Totes, I say



“Totes!”
“Totes? Did you just say totes!?”
“Yeah, did I offend you? Haha.”
“‘Totes’ is a terrible abbreviation and should be reserved strictly for sarcasm. In my books, ‘totally’ and ‘totes’ are not synonymous.”
“What’s ‘synonymous’?”
“Oh dear.”

Recently added to the standard list of abbrevs, ‘totes’ is defs not very presh!

I first heard it used a couple of years ago. In a conversation with a friend of a friend, I casually asked, “Are you glad to be back?”
With a flick of the hair and a stumble of the high heel, she replied, “TOTES!” 
I stood petrified, and not because of her lisp. It took me a moment to work out what this monstrous abbreviation stood for. And when I did, the connotation was violently ingrained in my mind.

If you’re anything like me, you can understand how gross the word, like almost all other abbreviations of its kind, sounds. It succeeds in doing the unnecessary job in chopping one syllable off a three-syllable word, but it makes the speaker sound horribly uneducated. It’s like blurting out “Bah!” not with the intention of impersonating a sheep, but simply to add your two cents.

I know I’m not alone in this world. Anna, an angel sent from heaven to help me smite the world of its poor grammar, agrees with me. She recently revealed that the word we seek to destroy is, in fact, its very own weakness. In order for it to destroy itself, we (Anna, those of you who care, and I) must become wielders of the word and master it. But unlike the heathens who use it with as much fervour as they would ‘loathe’, our job is to be perpetually conscious for when the word ought to be used. Sarcasm. 

Sarcasm is the key.

Pretend you’re a guy who hasn’t shaved in a while and you’re meeting up with a friend.

“When was the last time you shaved?” he asks.
“This morning,” you reply through the coarse tendrils of your beard.
“Re-really?”
“Totes!”

See what you’ve done? You’ve appealed to his folly. Not all people are as gullible; most would probably reply, “No, seriously, take my hedge trimmers.” But for those who don’t, sarcasm is called. If you strictly use ‘totes’ in such contexts, they’ll learn that you only say it when you’re being sarcastic. And if you’re fortunate, it’ll rub off on them.

Conversely, the recipient of your sarcasm may in fact share your hatred for the word. Thus, using ‘totes’ in this way will spark a warm conversation about how stupid it sounds, after which you will have discovered another member in the legion of Totes (God-willing, poor grammar) Haters. It’s a win-win situation.

It is imperative to note, however, that ‘totes’ cannot be used at just any time where sarcasm is called. In the case above, the fool asking you when you last shaved is asking a serious question. The blatant sarcasm begins, and must always begin, from you with the word ‘totes’. Naturally, ‘totes’ is transformed from the absurd abbreviation for ‘totally’ into a light-hearted insult while justly undermining the integrity of the word itself, as well as its heathen hosts, all in the hope that they will see the error of their ways and repent. 

Let us all unite to repair the sundered veil which separates light from darkness!

Greetings, travellers

My name's Matt, and this is my blog. It's about language and other things, progressively more other things and less language [07/07/14].

Language sounds boring, doesn't it? Well, it's not. It's art, and there's so much to say about it. Like why 'totes' doesn't belong in anyone's colloquial English vocabulary (please see post number two), and why verbing nouns is super fun (work in progress). I don't care much about the correct use of apostrophes, commas, ellipses and so on.... What? Okay, fine. I do. I mean, how can I not cringe at the sight of a 'who's' that should be a 'whose', or not stab my eyes with blades at a misused apostrophe? You understand. Anyway, I'm more concerned with the aspects of language less commonly discussed, and the aforementioned 'other things'.

Stuff about me you might care to know:
  • I'm a born again Christian, but I do not perpetually judge non-Christians for their beliefs. That would be like judging a dead person for being dead.
  • I have a First Class Honours degree in English Literature, a degree in Philosophy, and an Advanced Diploma in Applied Writing.
  • I've owned a second hand iPhone and a first hand Android. iPhones are better.
  • One of my pet peeves is the deployment of pedestrian crossings right next to roundabouts. I still don't understand it.
  • I cried at the ending of How To Train Your Dragon because it was non-cryptically poetic.
  • Twelve Angry Men is the worst film ever. It sure made me angry! Heh heh heh...
  • My super power is the ability to clap quite loudly with one hand.
  • Bad jokes and puns make my day
  • I'm an introvert
  • I'm writing a fantasy novel!

That's all for now.

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