Totes, I say

“Totes!”

“Totes? Did you just say totes!?”

“Yeah, did I offend you? Haha.”

“‘Totes’ is a terrible abbreviation and should be reserved strictly for sarcasm. In my books, ‘totally’ and ‘totes’ are not synonymous.”

“What’s ‘synonymous’?”

“Oh dear.”

Recently added to the standard list of abbrevs, ‘totes’ is defs not very presh!

I first heard it used a couple of years ago. In a conversation with a friend of a friend, I casually asked, “Are you glad to be back?”

With a flick of the hair and a stumble of the high heel, she replied, “TOTES!” 
I stood petrified, and not because of her lisp. It took me a moment to work out what this monstrous abbreviation stood for. And when I did, the connotation was violently ingrained in my mind.

If you’re anything like me, you can understand how gross the word, like almost all other abbreviations of its kind, sounds. It succeeds in doing the unnecessary job in chopping one syllable off a three-syllable word, but it makes the speaker sound horribly uneducated. It’s like blurting out “Bah!” not with the intention of impersonating a sheep, but simply to add your two cents.

I know I’m not alone in this world. Anna, an angel sent from heaven to help me smite the world of its poor grammar, agrees with me. She recently revealed that the word we seek to destroy is, in fact, its very own weakness. In order for it to destroy itself, we (Anna, those of you who care, and I) must become wielders of the word and master it. But unlike the heathens who use it with as much fervour as they would ‘loathe’, our job is to be perpetually conscious for when the word ought to be used. Sarcasm. 

Sarcasm is the key.

Pretend you’re a guy who hasn’t shaved in a while and you’re meeting up with a friend.

“When was the last time you shaved?” he asks.

“This morning,” you reply through the coarse tendrils of your beard.

“Re-really?”

“Totes!”

See what you’ve done? You’ve appealed to his folly. Not all people are as gullible; most would probably reply, “No, seriously, take my hedge trimmers.” But for those who don’t, sarcasm is called. If you strictly use ‘totes’ in such contexts, they’ll learn that you only say it when you’re being sarcastic. And if you’re fortunate, it’ll rub off on them.

Conversely, the recipient of your sarcasm may in fact share your hatred for the word. Thus, using ‘totes’ in this way will spark a warm conversation about how stupid it sounds, after which you will have discovered another member in the legion of Totes (God-willing, poor grammar) Haters. It’s a win-win situation.

It is imperative to note, however, that ‘totes’ cannot be used at just any time where sarcasm is called. In the case above, the fool asking you when you last shaved is asking a serious question. The blatant sarcasm begins, and must always begin, from you with the word ‘totes’. Naturally, ‘totes’ is transformed from the absurd abbreviation for ‘totally’ into a light-hearted insult while justly undermining the integrity of the word itself, as well as its heathen hosts, all in the hope that they will see the error of their ways and repent. 

Let us all unite to repair the sundered veil which separates light from darkness!