Simplifying English

Speaking. Using words. Putting. Sentences. Together. It's all so very irksome and tedious, isn't it? We try to lighten the load ourselves - refusing to correctly align subjects and predicates; replacing ‘have’ with ‘of’ (this particular point deserves a post of its own); shortening extensively long words like 'probably' into 'prob', 'sorry' into 'soz', and 'totally' into… you get the idea. But our  noble efforts do little to ease the pain. They barely manage to make our insurmountable loads any less insurmountable. The burden of having to talk incessantly hammers on our weary souls.

The problem is this: we're social creatures; it’s in our nature to keep trying - for the future of mankind or something. But our current methods to suppress our survival requirements are hardly sufficient. Honestly, if you’re going to screw up the English language, then commit, I say. Make it count! Yes, yes, you think I’m all talk; but please, let me finish! My wisdom comes in the form of both critique and gifts: remedies and painkillers for even the most encumbered of language victims. And if you wish to see the light of day again, to experience freedom – not words – emanating from your lips, and to distinguish the beauty and magic of life from the yoke of slavery (known as language), then it is in your best interests to accept my metaphorical wares. They’re free, after all. Allow me to explain.

1. Double or Triple Contractions

In informal circumstances, we like to condense two words into one. I’m doing it right now, even. But this solution doesn’t last. Sooner or later we’re mumbling like a crazy person, or fish, wide-eyed for no other reason than because a fish has no eyelids. It’s only logical that contracted words simply aren’t contracted enough. So instead of merging two words into one, try three, four, or six!

“You shouldn’t’ve scared the cat!”

“Was it scared, or just startled?”

“Well, in any case, ’twould’nt’ve’(nt)² been either if you’dn’t been so careless!”

“Touche, father. Touche.”

2. Verb Nouns!

That’s a command, not a new type of noun - though it may as well be. Like contracting words, we also do this from time to time. Sometimes consciously: "I have not tried googling this blog," or "I really like Matt’s advice. I’ll Facebook a link to it." And other times more naturally: "I’ve been reading Matt’s blog for far too long, and my house still needs painting. Meh, I’ll text Bobette to do it." But there are so many more situations where nouns can verb – like that one there for instance.

See how much more better language can be? Experiment freely with verbs and nouns. Verb away, I say! In no time the two will be one and the same.

3. Advocate non-existent past tense verbs

This one’s easy. Unfortunately it’s also the least productive method by which to, of course, shed some of that lifelong burden we call coherent speaking. But beggars can’t be choosers, am I right? Anyway, this final solution involves taking past tense verbs that aren’t verbs but should be, and using them excessively.

“As I clumb the mountain, I stopped to eat my microwove steak pie. It was raining, but it’s not as if I mound. What I did mind were the bits of fat, which adhore to my horrendous beard. If only I’d shove this morning.”

By way of these amazing non-verbs becoming verbs, we can do away with entire letters and syllables! English is wreck—err, our lives can finally flourish!

These are trying times, my friends. We have to stick together; and to do that, communication is key. Fish can’t survive on land, yet it’s this treacherous terrain upon which we’re cursed to dwell. Language may totes be a means to an end, but your lives are priceless. So please, take my advice, and live.